Today was weigh in day, and I should have stayed home… I thought I was doing well, I wasn’t sitting on my ass like I tend to, I walked 3.5 miles wednesday, cleaned the heck out of the garage on Thursday, but I guess I just wasn’t active enough. I even tracked! And I am up 1.8 this week. I am devistated about it. Really feel like I am hitting a wall.
Yesterday I think I finally figured out what the hell my deal is. I am scared. The things on my mind:
- Fear of loosing so much weight and looking like a saggy piece of shit.
- Fear of loosing the layers that have protected me (all mental).
- Fear of not being happy when it’s gone.
- Cannot get to the gym like I’d like to.
- Chandler getting out of school and messing up the routine I am in.
- Lincoln needing to learn to potty train so he can go to school next year and thus give me 2 hrs alone twice a week.
And I think the first thing that is blocking me (mentally) is getting into the 200’s. I mean that’s a HUGE step! To step on the scale and see 299… And then to hit 298 and be at 10%. I think I have been mentally sabotaging myself because I am nervous about hitting that step. I mean really 30 lb is awesome and all, but the first real hurdle was getting to the 200’s. And now that I am knocking on the door, I can’t fucking get through the door.
I am so frustrated!!!! I just want to do this. I HAVE to do this, not only for myself, but for my family! And I feel like I am letting them down. I know the kids have *no* clue what I am doing and why (although Chandler created a recipe for a Banana Split shake and it was “only 14 calories, Mom!”-Honey, I wish). But I just need to figure this out. I am tempted to call my old therapist and ask for help. I know a lot of this is self esteem related and fear. I am ready to loose it, and I can’t let my head screw it up.
So this week, I am only going to step on the scale at WW (Today & Friday). Not doing it at home! My goal is to track (I did ok last week-5 days), and to loose .5 lb. That’s what my leader suggested at my meeting today. Don’t get hung up on the numbers. So there it is. Thanks for reading this week’s novel. I will reward you with a recipe in a couple minutes. It was dinner tonight, and yummy. Thanks for the support. Much love,